envelop twitter linkedin facebook youtube triangle-down triangle-left triangle-right triangle-up article map-marker chevron-down chevron-left chevron-right chevron-up youth-passageways-nameplate lil-guy dashboard map

As Long As I’m Bleeding

<Back to the Issue

Are you fucking-

Kidding me

Escapes my mothers lips

Always about everything

 

“Are you fucking kidding me,”

When dinner is not ready

 

“Are you fucking kidding me,”

When I’ve not yet ripped the pissy sheets 

From a tween boy’s bed

 

“Are you fucking kidding me”

A response reserved for simple tasks stacked high

She asks why my head is in the clouds 

 

Well that’s where task one is 

If I start from the bottom they’ll all topple over 

 

Are you fucking kidding me 

I learn from an early age 

That I must be some sort of joke 

Always fucking-

Kidding someone 

 

Are you fucking-

Kidding me 

A response reserved 

For my coping mechanisms 

Boyfriends in bathrooms 

Boy friends in back lots 

Never the girls I sleep right next to

 

Oh, no no 

That’d be a joke 

I must be fucking kidding 

 

Because that does not exist in this house

Under the Lord’s eyes 

 

Are you fucking kidding me:

 

An inner voice when my heart flutters 

At the bounce of her hair 

That matches her dress 

The break in the beat

As men jump at her breasts 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me!”

I scream in her defense 

Good friends?

 

Are you fucking kidding me?

 

So I shove those feelings down 

Like they’re the joke that I am

And I hold the hands of a man 

Who hurts my head as much as my heart

Has me going

 

“Are you fucking kidding me”

When he tries to think he’s smart 

My smart mouth a fuckin’ joke to him 

 

And I start my period earlier than expected

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

Tomorrow is Monday and I bleed 

Like a faucet. I tell my mother:

She sits at her chicken 

As I bleed in the kitchen

 

“Are you fucking kidding me 

I’ll go to the store tomorrow,” she says 

 

I call up my boy

Who’s getting annoyed 

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

And I tell him the issue 

So he gets on his bike and 

…at least he has that going for him 

 

A knock at the door

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

Says hello as he visits 

And he hands me a box

I told him to quit with the knocks 

This was a covert operation

-he scoffs-

 

“Are you fucking kidding me”

Thinks he’s too keen to not be seen 

My mother’s jaw drops

 

Saved by the bell

His phone rings 

His mother screams 

“Are you fucking kidding me!”

 

He tells her what happened

And I can hear her snap 

From across the room 

 

Are you fucking-

Kidding me 

 

“You snuck out 

For that whore?

You cant see her any more!”

He leaves before I say thank you 

 

“Are you fucking-

Kidding me!”

 

My own mother screams 

As she sees the things 

I stick between my legs 

 

She blames him 

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

Are you fucking!

That’s what it comes down to 

 

A tampon is a tell tale sign 

The Lord sees your sin in his mind

 

But I just want to stop the bleeding 

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

Like it matters what’s between my legs

If I bleed and bleed 

Just like you did 

 

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

“I don’t want anymore grandchildren,”

She says, “I won’t raise anymore babies!”

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

I think of my work load

Wonder whose doing the raising 

I stare at a box that’s says 

I’m not pregnant, I think

 

Are you fucking kidding me 

 

She asks

“Are you fucking?”

 

And I realize.

I must be some sort of joke

About the Author: YodaCera - They / Them

YodaCera is an author//illustrator based in central California, who thrives in life on being a part-time creative and full-time cynic. Their primary focuses, currently, are digital illustration and poetry that tell the narrative of Their past trauma and abuse, as well as satirical nature of growth culture, and the epidemic of censorship and misinformation of mental health/illness. When not creating or working part-time at Their local game shop, YodaCera enjoys binging horror films, reading, and eating potatoes in all forms.

Youth Passageways Blog

Welcome to the Blog. Here you will find current and archived versions of our ENewsletters, Updates, and posts from partners, and guests.

Interested in contributing to our blog? Contact us at: dane@youthpassageways.org

Disclaimer:
Youth Passageways is thrilled to provide a platform in which a wide breadth of perspectives can commingle and paint as comprehensive a picture of our partner base as possible. As such, the views and opinions expressed in individual letters, posts, or media content of any kind do not necessarily reflect or represent the Youth Passageways network as an organization, or collective.

Back to top